i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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