He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
