Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize