I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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