I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
