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My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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