I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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