They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Randomize
