It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
