Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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