two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
