Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
