i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
