I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Be still, my beating vagina.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
