Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
she smelled like a LAN party
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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