Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
