unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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