cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
