you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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