She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
