Kareoke will never be a sober sport
People in love make me want to vomit
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
