I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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