If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
