The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
