I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
