i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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