my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
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