Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
