Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
