there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
