she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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