idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
