I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Randomize
