I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
