toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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