You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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