i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
