I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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