Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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