My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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