My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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