if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
a search helicopter?!
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
