Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
