dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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