I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
you inspire me to be a worse person
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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