i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize