Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
