Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
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He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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