Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
