I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Randomize
