Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
