i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
