Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
