Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
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