Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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