the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
