so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I want her autograph on my taint
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
