He disabled his match.com account in front of me
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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