remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
