Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
