Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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