"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
