What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
