i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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