I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
