Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
