Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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