You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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