just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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