I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
