Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
We were destined to go to rehab together
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
