She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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