He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
