Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
