I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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